Monday, January 12, 2015

An expert's guide to failure and defeat.

Education exacts a cost. Failure is tuition.

The stakes of enterprise is falling down.

Low, into speechless sorrow and rankling remorse.

In every saddening soul. In my own write.

But if you’re breathing, things can always get worse,

And if you wallow, things certainly will.

Way down on the canvas or mud or gutter. Listen.

Through every silence, every breath, every sigh,

Though all ambition, meek or soaring, cracked,

And deep-sunk in a growing darkness.

Where even allies gape down in pity

Offering gut squeezing limericks of regret.

The murmuring crowd idly passes sentence,

You can’t. I told you so. You’re finished.

Listen. Over the clattering bells of finance,

And the roaring engine of continuous commerce,

A persistent voice.

Quiet, but perfectly clear.


Get back up.

Monday, December 15, 2014

50 Cleverer Ways to Say "Happy Birthday"

In our continuous effort to improve your life, Kerblotto generously gives you 50 ways to say "happy birthday" online while displaying a modicum of, albeit borrowed, originality. Please use these freely, or as an inspiration to write something original of your own, to displace the mindless, repetitive flood of banality that fills our social walls one day a year.


  1. Happy birthday to you and 1 in 365 people worldwide.
  2. I wish you a happier birthday than anyone else has wished you.
  3. Happy increased-likelihood-of-getting-oral day.
  4. Enjoy the dash between the two dates on your tombstone.
  5. If you count the day you were born as your first birthday, you are a year older than you think you are.
  6. Didn’t we just celebrate this like a year ago?
  7. Happity birdie.
  8. Another year, another 584 million trip around the sun. May your next 584 million miles be your best yet.
  9. Happy oldieth birthday.
  10. I noticed in the right column of my Facebook timeline that today is your birthday. I am now writing a message of acknowledgement and well-wishes, as is the socially appropriate custom.
  11. hpy bdy
  12. Time for your birthday tickles!
  13. Happy oldest-you-have-ever-been and youngest-you-will-ever-be-again day.
  14. Half a yappy bidet!
  15. Another year without dying. Good on you!
  16. He drank alone. It was your birthday, but that didn’t matter. He sat at the typewriter and wrote. None of it was very good. —If Hemingway wrote you “Happy Birthday”.
  17. Happy older you day.
  18. Defriend all of those who did not recognize the anniversary of your existence.
  19. May the best of your birthdays be today, and today be the least of those yet to come.
  20. Happy anniversary of the day you were abruptly brought forth from the warm comfort of your mother’s womb into this cold, unforgiving world.
  21. Happy better than the alternative.
  22. Congratulations on another spin around the sun.
  23. Yours is one of increasingly fewer birthdays I approve of.
  24. age=age+1
  25. Happy anniversary of the nine-month anniversary of your mom getting laid. Oh, and tell your mom happy one-day anniversary of that tonight.
  26. Appyhay irthdaybay abybay!
  27. Like sands through the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
  28. Have a smashing birthday.
  29. Happy facebook notifications.
  30. Have a happy birthday. I’ll be watching.
  31. ¡ʎɐpɥʇɹıq ʎddɐɥ
  32. Have an ecstatically happy birthday.
  33. If you don’t have a happy birthday, remember, everything changes.
  34. Wishing you exuberant happiness not only today, but all the days of your life.
  35. Wishing you happiness despite hardship, success despite failure, and a birthday to become memories of dancing gold.
  36. Happy anni-birth-ery!
  37. Have a birthday.
  38. Ebola. Hurricanes. Earthquakes. Tornadoes. Overdose. Car accidents. Murderers. Meteorites. Autoerotic asphyxiation. Quicksand. Congratulations. You’ve beat 'em all for another year.
  39. Of all the people I know, you are one who’s birthday is today.
  40. It’s your birthday, yet you are a gift to the world.
  41. Have a happy birthday. That’s an order, maggot.
  42. Let little birthday happies surround you like a fine mist of moonlit wonder.
  43. If someone sings you “Happy Birthday” in public today, bust them for violating United States Code, Title 17 §106, copyright infringement. Inform ASCAP and make sure Time Warner is properly reimbursed for their unlicensed performance.
  44. Happy birthday champ.
  45. Another birthday?
  46. cout<<"Happy Birthday [You]"<
  47. HBD
  48. Your birthday cake has an impossible job. Because no one holds a candle to you.
  49. Go easy on these birthdays. Too many can kill you.
  50. I’m going to overlook the existential futility of life for a moment and wish you a happy birthday.